Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
