I CAN MOONWALK!
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he shaved USA in his pubs
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
