how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
