how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
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