i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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