That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
