Even water is tasting like jack daniels
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize