yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
