Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
