I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
