remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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