im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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