I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
