my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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