screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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