they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
