listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
