conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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