my phone needs a breathalizer
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
