It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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