Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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