Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
