I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
