You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize