I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
two words: eviction party
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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