The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
