I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
