Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
