we made out on top of his cat.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
