so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
