I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
