When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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