i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
