I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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