I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
