My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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