I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
