My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
They took my balls.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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