I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
