I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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