My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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