You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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