when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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