YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
