I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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