Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
