i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
