I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
