I want to stick my p in your. b.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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