so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
