the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
