college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
