Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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