I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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