The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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