I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize