I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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