I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
