Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize