I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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