I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
