Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
