I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dicks are not precious.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
