from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
