well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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