My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
